If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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