Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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