I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
