i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
