dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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