i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
