How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
