I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
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