he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
