I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
