do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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