I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
