love makes seman taste better
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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