I feel great
I just peed on a car
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
