So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
