I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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