the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
