I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
