I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Randomize
