I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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