College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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