Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
