she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
