By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
