After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
