She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
