I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize