Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
