haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
