Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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