i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
