I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
