Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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