I want to stick my p in your. b.
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
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