...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
