went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize