tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
