Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
