I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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