Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
