apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
