my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
