oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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