So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Randomize
