I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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