The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Randomize
