Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
He passed out mid-signature
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize