Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
