Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
