we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Randomize
