left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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