She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
