I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
