My sheets look like a crime scene.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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