god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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