How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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