I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
