There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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