What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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