I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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