Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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