Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize