Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
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