Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize